NEW FBI SHOCKER: INSIDE THE White House “FAMIGLIA”
Another relic from happier days, when Michael Cohen wasn’t a national hero and Robert Mueller was.
Until today, it was widely thought that ousted FBI Director James Comey's characterizations of Trump's White House as a "La Cosa Nostra crime family" and the chief executive himself as a "mob boss" were hyperbole dreamed up to sell books.
But no more.
A recently obtained FBI affidavit submitted in support of the Michael Cohen search warrant reveals that if anything, Comey didn't go far enough. It is now clear that many members of the President's inner circle--and the President himself--sport Mafia-style nicknames that harken back to the days of Al "Scarface" Capone, Charles "Lucky" Luciano, and Vincent "Vinny the Chin" Gigante.
While the most recent addition to Trump's legal team, former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani, may prefer to be known as Hizzoner, that is not what he's called in the West Wing. Most frequently he appears in organizational charts as "The Laughing Corpse." He is also termed, less formally, "Rudy-Walking-Dead," or among Mr. Trump's few literate associates, "Nosferatu." The putative quarterback of the defense squad, Ty Cobb, is known simply as "Batboy."
The administration’s public relations shop first evidenced its organized-crime character with the spectacularly brief tenure of Anthony “Tony Mooch” Scaramucci. Since his fall from grace after a late-night interview in which he suggested that Steve “Do Not Resuscitate” Bannon was capable of autofellation, its public face has been Sarah “Strokemouth” Sanders. The famously bad tempered Sicilian matron transplanted to Arkansas is is also sometimes known as “Deputy Dawg,” or “Huckleberry Hound." Equally prominent in the Pennsylvania Avenue mob’s PR department is Sean “Johnny Melonhead” Hannity.
New to the family’s international efforts is National Security Adviser John Bolton. Though most members of organized crime are barred from military service because of their criminal records, they nevertheless prize bravery and scorn cowards. Perhaps for this reason, the admitted draft-avoiding hawk is known as John “Chickenshit Jack” Bolton.
The Secretary of the Treasury, despite early media missteps in which he and his even more tone-deaf wife appeared to be posing as as Bond villains, and in distinction from the President’s son-in-law, is referred to as Steven “the Other Jew” Mnuchin. He is known to be an ally of the Chief of Staff, former Marine four-star general John "the Angry Priest" Kelly.
Not surprisingly, the President’s biological and married-in family also have Cosa Nostra-style aliases. To his face, and to Mr. Trump's, his eldest son is referred to, respectfully and accurately, as “Don Jr.” Privately, in a nod to an HBO crime family, he's known as “Little Lord Fuckpants.” His half-brother Eric, cruelly, is simply known as “Sheltered Workshop” or "Goodwill Eric."
Given the Oedipal tensions in the family, even the hardest made guys tread lightly where the Trump women are concerned. Melania is “the Angry Slav” or simply “the Wife.” Ivanka is “the Dream Wife,” or, among those in the closest circle, “the Wetdream Wife.” The President's other, far less attractive, daughter is dismissively called “Percoset Tiff.” And his son-in-law, when not simply named “Jared the Jew” is casually known as “Jared Lucky Fucker” or “the Hairless Lizard.”
The capo di tutti cappi at the apex of this unsteady pyramid has, of course, accumulated more nicknames than any of his family. In his early days as a New York developer and party boy he was called “Toefingers Donald.” He was also known as “Ratpaws” and “Chapter 13.” But the recent disclosures from Stormy Daniels edited out of her CNN interview explain some of the even less flattering names applied to The Donald among "friends of ours"—“Thumbdick Donnie,” “Stubby Don,” and, “the Preemie.”
While the President's personal attorney called himself "the Fixer," or "Ray Donovan," he was the only one to do so. Significantly, he is actually known as Michael “Sure you’re the Consigliere” or “Crying in the Squadcar” Cohen.
But most telling is the name assigned the Special Counsel: Robert “Bobby Gravedigger” Mueller.
