“Vos is los? A knuckle sammich, that’s what’s los, ya kraut!”

The Ozempic Twins now occupying the posts of President and Vice-President of the United States publicly double-teamed a much smaller man leading a much smaller nation whose only objective was the renewal of our oft-stated commitment to its survival.

First was Vivek Ramaswamy’s Yuletide rant about his troubled high school years, during which the overcoiffed overachiever was plainly victimized for his bookish pursuits; he specifically referenced his bone-deep resentment of jocks and prom queens in the context of 90’s sitcoms Saved by the Bell and Family Matters.

Do you know how to say “Do me like the bad girl I am” in Slovenian?

First to comment was President Joe Biden. “Fuck me,” said the notoriously salty octogenarian.

Two hypotheses. One, they’re space aliens converting the Earth to something homey. Two, they’re assholes who don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves.

Clearly everyone in the 1920’s was as high as the Hindenberg.

“In 1933 people were not fooled by propaganda. They voted for a leader who openly disclosed his plans in great clarity.”

“Texas believed its own bullshit.”

There is no impending catastrophe so obvious we can’t ignore it.

Never go on stage after a dinosaur.

“Evolution, like universal gravitation, is just a theory—so if stones don’t fall up when you drop ’em, pray on it!”

“But I don’t want a gun.”

Sorry, America!

Be there, and never again feel compelled to silence when your hipster friends act smart!