HUSH MONEY SHOCKER: TRUMPS PAY OFF SKANK WITH TAXPAYER MONEY!
Sorry, Stormy—didn’t mean to suggest you’re a skank
(WEST PALM BEACH) First Boy Donald J. Trump Jr has proven himself to be a chip off the old block!
It’s long been rumored around Mar-a-Lago that his father thought he needed a daughter-in-law who didn’t, in his words, “look like she won the West Virginia lottery.” Dutifully, the lad found himself a third-generation Palm Beacher who is not only the daughter of America’s youngest-ever bank president but spends her ample leisure modeling clothes and jewelry on social media. Needless to say, she also doesn’t resemble a blow-up sex doll who, Pinocchio-like, suddenly found herself to be a real person.
Sadly, as one might expect of any Trump son, the execution of this clever plan was slightly flawed. One morning last week his still-fiancee Kimberly Guilfoyle was treated to tabloid images of her still fiance Don Junior holding hands with and kissing the new squeeze, Bettina—no, really!—Anderson. Scant hours later, as the ink on the NDA was still drying, Guilfoyle was in line to be the next US Ambassador to Greece.
Unlike Trump Senior’s felony-grade hush-money scheme, Junior’s cost the Trump empire nothing. The cost of keeping Her Excellency Kimberly Guilfoyle’s curiously amphibian face out of the Trumps’ view is over two hundred thousand a year, including salary and benefits.
US political figures were quick to comment. First among them was President Joe Biden. “Fuck me,” said the notoriously salty octogenarian. “I try to do my kid a favor, doesn’t cost the public a fucking dime, no joke, and all of a sudden that fatheaded dickweasel Comer is running around screaming oh, Joey’s got his balls in grandma’s mouth, let’s impeach him. Jesus Christ, Mr Ozempic really learned his fucking lesson about paying off skeezers, didn’t he? Well, fuck’ em all where they breath.”
It was also not lost on some that this government-funded hush-money plan took place while Judge Juan Marchand considers how to handle the President-Elect’s sentencing for his own clumsy efforts to conceal payoffs to a pornstar. Stormy Daniels is even now reported to be negotiating for a position as Ambassador to Luxembourg or, in the event Pete Hegseth’s nomination falls through, Secretary of Defense, “to make this all go away.”
This is a developing story.
